Wednesday, December 29, 2010

January 1st is The Solemnity of Mary, the Mother of God

Blessed Virgin, please pray for the children
Religion is on my mind all of the time.  I consider myself a very religious and spiritual person on a journey toward...what?  Where will I end up?  I don't know.  I think sometime soon I'm going to reconsider where I stand religiously to see if it has changed any or if I can add or subtract anything from my previous list.

January 1st is the Solemnity of Mary, the Mother of God.  I am seriously considering going to Mass Sunday, January 1st.  Perhaps it will start the year off right, whether I stay (re-become?) Catholic or not.  I've thought about next week making an appointment with the Father here at St. Pat's and ask him questions that can perhaps help me sort through all of the information and feelings overloading my brain.  I have had good experiences in the Catholic Church, but I also have bad ones, mostly internal.  How could I ever be Catholic again when I am pro-choice, pro-birth control, pro-sex education, pro-gay rights, and pro-sex between consenting adults?  I am against the death penalty though, which goes along with Catholic beliefs.  Other than that my morality system is based on Catholicism.

I do think that if I dig down deep, being molested by my music teacher during Church camp between first and second grade has a lot to do with my strange hangups with Catholicism.  I think it has to do with the extra guilt I feel (where is my therapist when I need her?) because it happened at Church.  A lot of my religious problems I can't put into words, but I can remember Mr. D's face even though I rarely remember anyone's face.  I hate child molesters.  They fuck up people's lives.  You know what else I hate?  I hate that they would do it at a Church!  I hate that a predator would use that sacred space to violate a child in the worst way possible.  Now I feel so dirty.  I want to take a shower.


Tasha said...

i know somewhat how you feel, but it's not yet my time to face religion head-on. abusers are so sick and sickening, leaving behind such a terrible destruction for us to try to pick up the pieces and figure out how to become whole again. i hope your journey into religion goes well, it was not the church but man who scorned you- the very reason i stay away, the hypocrisy is too deeply embedded, people can't be what they preach. but if it is prue and true it could be so beautiful *hugs*

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